Sitting down to write this week’s culture bits, I mistakingly asked my wife, “This week needs a theme… what should it be?” “Puppies,” she replied.
My mind raced. Puppies? Where would I even start?
Most upsetting dog song: Who let the dogs out? I mean, when my dog gets out it’s a guaranteed panic attack. She could get lost! I mean, the entire plot of Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco was based on dogs getting lost. Can you believe Michael J. Fox and Sally Field were in that abomination?
I sat around muttering, “Woof, woof, woof, woof!” when my wife said, “I bet you could make a great dog website.” (I don’t think she understands what I do for a living.)
Your dog’s next domain extension: .dog. You could go with something like .pet, but is your pup really a pet? I consider mine my daughter (which will be super confusing for my human son in a few years).
Does your dog need a website? Let’s take a step back here. If your puppy is famous in 2017, it’s probably because he/she is Instagram famous. I’m not usually one to tout a social network, but if you’re looking for international fame, Instagram is the path (speaking of dogs on Instagram, Kevin’s pug, Ackbar, has quite the following). But… once you get followers, you’ll need a place for contact information and a slick press kit. Get on it!
“Emily, you know I don’t build websites for a living, right?” Her head tilted slightly. “Didn’t you build a Squarespace site for that brewery last year?” “Yeah, but Betty (our dog) could build a Squarespace site. They literally make it impossible to create ugly things.”
“… Are you calling Betty dumb?” Oh no.
Where to buy gifts for your puppy when you accidentally insult them: Fuzzyard is an Australian company that sells pretty much everything pet, but we especially like their winter apparel. And their dog bowls.
If your puppy is a little too fancy: I don’t know if Betty is necessarily fancy, but nevertheless, she likes to dabble in the finer things. And apparently her latest fancy is Harry Barker, and she keeps telling me that all the cool kids at camp are sleeping on Martello Beds. “Betty, that’s waaaaay too expensive.” “Ugh, you’re so unfair!” (Yes, Betty’s my dog. Yes, we have conversations… I am a remote worker after all.)
Betty turned seven on the seventh, but she’s been going to puppy school for a while now. And by puppy school, I mean puppy day care. And yes, your dog would like to go.
Best Valentine’s gift for your puppy: Take him/her to puppy daycare. Seriously, if you live in a medium-to-large city, you probably have a dozen puppy day cares to choose from. Ours is a converted house with a huuuge backyard that the dogs run around in all day, but even the indoor ones are great.
What… is this? How did I write 500 words about puppy nonsense? Kevin once sent me an extensive power ranking of instant ramen, so calling this nonsense might not be totally fair (note: I should be less hard on myself), but where exactly is this going?
In a panic, I thought, “Puppies. Internet. …Barkpost!”
Your new puppy blog/newsletter: You probably didn’t know you needed more puppy content, but you do. And Barkpost is the place to get it. I mean, check out their “Trending” articles:
- The Ultimate List of Companies With Secret Menus and Free Products For Your Pup … solid… gold.
- 33 Stores That Don’t Ask You To Leave Your Dog Outside While You Shop … all the yes.
- 33 Dog Toys You Can Make From Things Around the House … what’s up with the number 33?
Did you know that iwantmyname has a semi-official office dog? Her name is Coco. I snapped a picture of her last time I was in NZ.
Ok, this needs to stop… but how? With a song! Just like it started!
Song to end a blog post about puppies: Dog Days Are Over. “The dog days are over / The dog days are done / Can you hear the horses? / ‘Cause here they come.” Ugh. First dogs, now horses? I’m not about to start a horse post.